Fears and Inspiration

I've been dealing with a lot of fears, lately.

I guess it's not surprising. After all, I published when I originally wrote just to learn, and now I'm writing again with the intent to publish.

This time, the whole process seems to be taking longer than with The Rebels. Maybe it's because I'm keeping track of how long I've been working on it. Maybe it's because I know what I want to do with this book.

Either way, I could swear that even though I was working a regular 9-5 job when I finished The Rebels, I moved through drafts 2 and 3 very quickly. Now, even when I have an hour, I won't necessarily pull The Irregulars up and work on it. I almost - but not quite - avoid it.

I work on it in the evening more than I do in my free daytime hours. I could say it's because the creative juices are stronger at night - partially true - or I could say that my brain is exhausted after a day of learning new things for the ghostwriting business - also true.

But neither of these is the complete truth.

I'm afraid.

Why?

There's several things I'm scared of:

I need to up my marketing game for the book, but I sometimes feel like I've barely got a handle on what I'm doing.

I have no desire to spend all day on social media sites, writing posts, creating videos, and promoting, commenting, etc.

I'm terrified of deliberately finishing a book to publish.

I don't know if you know this, but I sat on Rebels for roughly a year before finally reaching out to people about publishing. I shared the link to the doc with my sisters (I don't think either of them has read it) about six months after I finished it, then I shared it with my cousin, Tania, who told me it was genuinely good.

Now, I'm working on the second book, things seem to be slowing down. I don't have to find an editor, or choose a cover artist. Dave Pasquantonio, my editor, is amazing and made the whole process remarkably easy.

But I'm still scared.

The artists at MIBLArt are ready to create a new cover (and I adore the one the made already! If you haven't seen it, check it out on Amazon) to match Rebels.

So why am I still scared?

Wanna know what I think?

Too bad. You're gonna read it anyway.

I think I'm afraid to reach for my dreams and see them become a reality.

Essentially, I'm reaching higher than I've ever even dreamed of. Part of me wants my books to sell millions of copies, wants to have book signing tours, and to see my books in physical bookstores.

I want to walk in, pick up one of my books, sign it, and put it back on the shelf.

I want to see fanfic made for all the characters I haven't fully fleshed out, to see them loved, and to know that someone, somewhere, truly connected with that character.

I want my books to be famous.

But a part of me is terrified because this is so far outside the safe, familiar world we've always occupied. My critter brain is running in circles, waving its hands and gibbering that some big, bad monster is going to eat us up because we left the safe zones.

I think I'm not the only one who feels this way, too.

What to do about this?

I'm not 100% sure what to do with this. Knowing it is half the battle, sure, but just knowing isn't enough.

Maybe, what is enough is knowing I'm scared and still taking steps every day.

Sitting down at my laptop, opening Word, and pulling out my manuscript to polish up a couple more pages.

I'm not a fan of 'waiting for inspiration', so in this instance, I will hunt it down. By turning on music that gets me feeling good, and taking some time everyday to daydream. To just sit, and think, and imagine. To pick a wild thought and follow it, see where it goes.

I still feel fear, but I'm not afraid.

Are you?